The Darkness aka Forgetting Everything's All Right

I forgot....for a minute.....(actually it was much longer).

I forgot that all is well. 

I forgot that I am loved beyond measure, that the Universe always has my back and is always conspiring for my good.

I forgot that I was right where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to be doing, to get where I needed to be.

And it sucked.

It was a perfect storm of challenges -- not all bad, but challenging nonetheless. And lots and lots of F.E.A.R. (forgetting everything's all right).

Challenge number one: As you know, I have changed careers and am working in real estate. (I still write, just not full time). The learning curve has been steep and, at times, overwhelming. I'm still learning, but I have some experience under my belt now so it's not completely foreign. But for awhile, I felt panicky about the amount to learn (and whether I ever would learn it) and pressured to learn it (and FAST!) so I could bring in an income.

Challenge number two: I weaned myself off the antidepressants I was taking because I didn't like them. As they say on TV....DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME!! I thought I could manage with yoga and meditation (which I didn't do regularly enough to make any difference). I was wrong. I am now happily, gratefully, back on drugs....just different ones.

Challenge number three: I don't know about your part of the world, but Texas was hit pretty hard by the flu this year. I got sick right after Christmas -- yucky upper respiratory gunk. I physically couldn't smoke cigarettes. I know.....wah. But I've been a smoker off and on since I was 12 and, honestly, I love it. I fully accept that there is nothing redeeming about it whatsoever, but I love it anyway. Still, it's bad for me (obviously) and I had been wanting to quit (sorta). I decided to take advantage of the hiatus and quit, once and for all. I haven't smoked since (yay!), but that doesn't mean that quitting smoking, especially during this rocky period, was a walk in the park (for me or anyone around me).

Add challenges one through three together, throw in some communication challenges with The Husband, and I was ready to jump off a bridge (not literally, but I was definitely NOT a happy camper). Throw in some negativity, awful self-talk, and lots of fear and self-pity, and I was a hot mess.

There is good news, which will appear in the next post.

Have you had one those times where EVERYTHING sucks? How much of it was self-imposed? How much of it was out of your control?

Have you been there?

Are you Home or Do You Need to Move?

I was asked by a dear friend to write a piece about “home” (the focus for her website for the month of January). I hate to admit that my first thought was that old cliché “Home is where the heart is.” It’s a lovely sentiment, and, of course, I agree with it. After all, you can be at “home” wherever you are when you are surrounded by people you love. My next thought was not as cliché, but I love it:

Home is where you can scratch where it itches.

OMG! How many times have you had an itch….there….or there….or even there that you are dying to scratch but couldn’t because you were out among the masses? Out in public….with lots of people around?  Or with someone in their home?  Anywhere that’s not in your home and with anyone that’s not one of your peeps.  It’s one of the most uncomfortable feelings I know of.

Isn’t it great to be able to scratch where it itches? To feel that comfortable with your surroundings and the people around you?

What about the “home” that is your body and mind? Are you comfortable there?

Lately I haven’t been comfortable in my body or my head. I think there are a few reasons for that. Some of it has been physical. I’ve been sick with the “crud” and it is taking me longer to recover than I had hoped it would. Although I’m over the worst of it (the stay-in-bed-feeling-miserable part) but I’m still not 100%. I don’t feel bad but I don’t feel good either. Just sort of blah.

I think part of it is that I received my 4^th quarter royalty check for the book I published last year. The check was under $100. Actually, it was under $60. Altogether I’ve received about $200 in royalties……not even close to the amount I’ve spent.  When I look at it from a purely monetary point of view, it’s pretty depressing. I think to myself, “Yeah but you wrote a book! And you got it published! And some people have actually bought it and READ it!” Who knows if it will ever take off? Who knows if anyone else will buy and/or read it? I did my part. I wrote it, and put it out there. I’ve done lots of marketing, but I can’t make people buy it. It is what it is.  Bottom line, I figure that the people who need it have already received it or will at some point. I have to let the outcome go.

The other piece of the puzzle, I believe, is that I’ve started a new profession (partially for my family’s long term business plan and partially because, let’s face it, the writing thing isn’t going to pay the bills any time soon). I’m still climbing a steep learning curve. I’m a little discouraged because it isn’t paying the bills yet either. But, again, I trust that it will…..if I do my part.

Here’s the deal: EVERYONE, at some point, doesn’t feel “at home” in their life. Tomorrow, this weekend, or next week, things should be brighter for me. I’ll feel better physically, I’m sure, because every day I feel a little stronger. As far as the writing and other business stuff, I keep showing up…putting one foot in front of the other….trusting that something will turn around, or that I’ll get some new understanding on the learning curve that will propel me forward. That’s really all I have to do….my part. But I have to do my part to the best of my ability. And I have to release the results. I can only plan the action….I can’t plan the results.

I can choose to take other action. Like finishing this post….like taking steps that move me higher up the learning curve....like asking for help…..like limiting my “pity party” time and shifting toward gratitude, hope and possibility. I can stay grounded in the present moment instead of yesterday (where regret lives) or tomorrow (where fear lives). I can look for proof that the Universe supports my efforts…..like the feather I found today….or the email that hit my inbox with this message about an hour ago: “A person can transform, a situation can transform, even a planet can transform. Never lose hope. Under the proper conditions of love, faith and belief, transformation is quite possible.” These are the things that will help me feel more at home in my life and in my own skin.

Have you felt “at home” in your life lately or do you need to move? What did you do to change that?

Have you been there?

BOLD Choices

I mentioned in my last post that things have been a little crazy in my life. Lots of changes....like a new career in real estate at the advanced age of 56. To help me make the most of the job shift, I've been involved in an intense class called BOLD. According to the class description, "BOLD conditions agents with powerful mindset exercises, language techniques, business-building strategies and live lead generation activities."

Boy, does it ever!

We met once a week to learn and practice our new tools. In between classes, one of our homework assignments was to make 100 contacts....20 a day. If we didn't make our 100 contacts, we received a foul. Five fouls and you're out. This became pivotal for me as the class progressed.

One of the things that surprised me the most about BOLD was the emphasis on mindset. Our coach, Kate, explained that everything is energy, and that we attract what we focus on. I've known this for awhile, but I didn't expect to hear it in a business class.

Now, understand, when I say I've known this for awhile, what I mean is that the idea has lived in my head. I didn't always own it.

I'll admit, when I began this 7 week journey, I was pretty intimidated by the talent in the room. I realize now this beginning mindset didn't help, by the way. I was setting myself up for defeat before I had even begun.) Many of the agents have been in the business for years (me = brand spankin' new) and had also attended BOLD before. And, frankly, as the class continued, my intimidation remained.

When I began the BOLD class, I was involved in another class for new agents, which also had homework. Between the two of them, I was completely overwhelmed (read: I didn't make my 100 contacts for 3 weeks = 3 fouls). Eventually, I dropped the other class (which I will pick back up in January) in order to focus on BOLD. That week, I made my 100 for the first time. Woohoooooo! 

And then the next week, I didn't (4 fouls at this point). 

I had lots of excuses when I failed/fouled: I'm too new.....I don't know how....It's hard....It's the holidays....I can't.....

And, when I went to class those weeks I didn't make my 100, I felt like a failure....a loser.....behind the eight ball before I got started.....I let my team down..... 

My mantra for most of my BOLD experience was, "Yeah, but......you don't understand....this is different.....I'm different...."

So, there I was, looking at my final week of the class.....and I needed to make my 100 contacts in order to graduate. I got 20 of them by making calls. It took me 6 hours. But 20 wasn't going to cut it; I needed 80 more. And then I remembered seeing an "F" by my name at the last session. I thought maybe it meant that I had already fouled out. I looked over my course materials and read that if you foul out, you would be asked to leave the class. I hadn't been asked to leave, so maybe I hadn't already fouled out. Still, I wasn't entirely sure. If I had, getting the rest of my contacts would be a moot effort.

And then the ice hit. A big storm rolled though coating everything with 2 inches ice. It was pretty, but very treacherous.

It was also the granddaddy of all excuses. Unprecedented amount of ice. Roads shut down. Everything was under ice.

i thought about going door-to-door but a friend had posted on Facebook how dangerous it was on the sidewalks. Remember, this was ice, not fun and fluffy like snow, so the even ground/grass was slick. 

So I stewed. I talked it over with The Husband. Should I or shouldn't I? What if I foul out? How would I feel? Maybe I've already fouled out? We agreed that, even if I fouled out, I had gained a wealth of information and tools for the future. This didn't bring me much comfort.

Then some actress on TV said, "I'm not a quitter." As usual, the Universe provided exactly what I needed.

So I bundled up and went door-to-door. I handed out cards and told people I would love to help them with their real estate needs. I slipped and fell (I wasn't hurt), and moved on to the next house. I talked to 37 people that day. One woman told me that, although she didn't need a realtor at that time, she would keep my card because she was impressed with my dedication and determination.

And I went out the next day. More surprised looks from the homeowners who couldn't believe this crazy woman was going door-to-door. I visited another 50 homes that day, bringing my grand total up to 107 contacts. 

I graduated, much to my surprise. But I gained so much more than a plastic trophy and certificate. 

I realized how much my mindset does matter. I saw how often I'm my own worst enemy, especially when I'm filled with fear and doubt. I knew I could have had a foul-free BOLD experience if I had gotten out of my own way. I remembered all the other times and situations where "I can't" was my mantra....and that I could have. 

I got it.

I have a new mindset today, thanks to BOLD. There are 27 BOLD laws (mottos/affirmations), but this is the one I will remember because of my experience: You can have reasons or results, but you can't have both.

The last 56 years have been filled with reasons; 2014 will be a year of results. 

Have you been challenged to do more than you think you can? Did you rise to the occasion?

Have you been there?

Happenings

Check this out!!

I know it's been quite awhile since I posted, but there has been lots of stuff going on! Hang on to your hats!

I suppose the most life altering event is a change in career.....or maybe just an addition. In keeping with our long-term goals, I have obtained a real estate license. What a journey it's been so far! This is how it works: Go to school, either online or in a class for the required hours (it seemed like a million, but, in reality, was only about 753,281), and pass a test. As it turns out, the classes have nothing (or very little) to do with the day-to-day business of real estate. Much like teaching..... 

So I sat in the class and passed my test (which, frankly, amazed me. There are three hundred billion terms that make no sense, and you need to have a handle on these in order to pass. In any case, I passed. Hot damn and hallelujah!). 

But that was NOTHING compared to the roller coaster of a learning curve I'm on now. I'm taking MORE classes, again with a bazillion new terms (the number dropped because of all the crap I learned for the licensing test). And it seems that many people in real estate like to talk real fast and skip bathroom breaks. So I come home at the end of the day completely exhausted and brain dead. That's pretty much what the rest of my year looks like. 

I'm not complaining (much). I'm grateful for the education and the prospect of a lucrative career. I love houses, and I love seeing how other people live. I used to plan my Sundays based on the open house schedule. I've been working toward this career for awhile, and I'm really looking forward to it.....especially when I get my feet on the ground. 

In the meantime, I turned 56 (go, Libra!), sandwiched between two trips: one was a spiritual retreat in the NE, and the other was a cruise to Belize, Roatan and Cozumel. The retreat was wonderful......healing, affirming and all in a tranquil, beautiful setting. The connections we made were amazing, and, someday, I'll have to tell you about it. I was home long enough to do laundry, go out to dinner for my birthday, and repack for the cruise. Whew! The cruise was fun too -- we played golf on Roatan, it rained in Cozumel, and we explored a bit in Belize. Life on the ship was wonderfully relaxing and we indulged ourselves with massages. Ahhhhhhh...........

When I returned, there was more laundry to do before I started the real classes that would teach me the real stuff I needed to know about real estate. Oh, and yeah, I'm still working on my second novel. I contemplated signing up for NaNoWriMo but figured it would either lead to suicide or divorce. Neither choice sounded too good, so I'm going to pass this year. But I will keep writing!

And that's what I've been doing.

Other stuff happened too, like a resolution to big communication issues and some spiritual awakenings. Stuff like that. I'll write about that stuff another time. I have to ease back into this blogging thing.

Have you dropped off the planet before? 

Have you been there?

P. S. Check out the cool ass bike I got! I traded my 750 for this black Yamaha V-Star 950 with pink lights.....that look purple against the black. Win!

Oneida: Forever in Our Hearts

I introduced you to Oneida last year and promised that I would visit her grave. It was quite an adventure! I knew she lived in Valliant, Oklahoma with her sister after she became too ill to live by herself here in Texas. She died just a few days after my mother in 2005, and was buried in Clear Creek Cemetery.

I couldn't find a listing for the cemetery anywhere, so I started my journey in Hugo, the largest town near Valliant. I stopped in the Hugo cemetery to see if I could get more information. No luck, but we looked up the obituary, and I was directed to the funeral home. Luckily, I found someone at the funeral home who gave me directions to the correct cemetery (as in: follow this road until until you get to the Valliant Cemetery, turn right, follow that road to your second right, and follow that road to the end). Amazingly, I found it. Along with Oneida's grave:

I tried every single one of my pictures (which are
right side up, by the way) but they all came out
sideways. 

I completely understand the minimal adornments, but I wanted to remember her in my own way too. I ordered a headstone (a small one, because I would have to take it there myself) and delivered it yesterday.

Sure hope she likes it.

Have you remembered a special friend?

Have you been there?

Avoiding the Blame Game

Many years ago, I was pretty good at playing the blame game. I could rationalize, minimize or justify almost anything....as long as it was your fault. After all, if I took responsibility for my actions it meant I might have to change something about me, which really wasn't an option.

I could tell you it was my parents' fault, or my teachers' or someone else, but that's blaming again, isn't it? The truth is that I was selfish and immature. Unfortunately, those qualities persisted long into adulthood, until I saw the truth about myself.

I was a victim....and really good at it. Then someone told me that if I have one finger pointed at someone else, there are three fingers pointing back at me. Ouch. When I realized what I was doing, I learned ways to alter that behavior. 

One trick I wish I had had back then is a simple letter switch that I learned from Christie Inge. This is what she wrote: 

Write down all of your "should" judgments about another person.

Then, drop the "they should" and replace it with "I could."

She should be more understanding.

Turns into:

I could be more understanding.

Notice how this tiny tweak shifts your perspective on your particular circumstances.

How brilliant is that?? Everything begins with me. I am responsible for my choices and decisions. I'm also responsible for taking care of myself. After all, I'm the only person whom I will never leave and who will never leave me. If I'm not responsible for me, I fall back into blaming.

Did you lose that job because your boss is a douche bag or because you were consistently late? Did you fail that test because your friends "made" you go out with them instead of study? Did your car break down because it's a piece of shit or because you didn't take care of business when the check engine light came on....six months ago? Did Josie get "your" promotion because she's a brown-noser or because you take thirty minute breaks and two hour lunches?

The first step is being honest with yourself. Really honest. You know the truth....deep down inside. If you truly can't see it, enlist the help of an objective, level-headed friend. Talk it over and be open to their observations and suggestions. Recognizing the victim stance can take some practice, especially if, like me, you've been "practicing" for a long time, but it can be done. Once you can see it, turn that thought around as Christie suggested. Just that one small shift can change everything!

Have you played the "blame game"? Are you a "past master" or still working on it?

Have you been there?

Love Wins!

I hope you read about Antoinette Tuff recently. If not, you can read about her here. She talked down a gunman who entered the school where she worked. (I think it's sad that so few people know about her. Of course, if things had gone in a different direction, it would have been all over the news. But that's another post.....)

Antoinette stayed calm and centered. She talked to him, to the scared boy inside, instead of running or hiding. She told him she loved him and was proud of him for surrendering. She met his fear and anger with compassion and love.

Although a few shots were fired, there were no deaths or injuries.

Imagine how different life would be if we could meet all our challenges with Love. 

How do you meet your challenges? 

Have you been there?

My Body Manifesto

A little background....I'm 55 years old and about 80 pounds overweight. I have tried every diet known to man, beginning with Weight Watchers at 12 years old. I received numerous messages from a variety of people (including myself) throughout my lifetime that my body wasn't OK. I gave that story a lot of validation and power. I'm taking back my power and creating a new story.

I Believe that.....

I am more than my body.

My body does not determine or define my worth. I have many skills and talents that have everything to do with my spirit, creativity and knowledge, and nothing to do with my body. 

I am a Spiritual Being having a human experience.

As a Spiritual Being, I am perfect, whole and complete -- just as I am -- body, mind and spirit. My life is God's gift to me; what I do with it is my gift to God.

I am a part of the Whole, and the Whole is part of me.

When I separate myself from Love, I feel lonely. When I separate myself from my body, I reach for unhealthy things. When I separate myself from meaning and purpose, I am mired in boredom and numbness. My job is to do my part: stay connected, be present, and to do the best I can in any situation. Doing my part is my responsibility; The Universe honors my effort by filling in the gaps.

I am right where I'm supposed to be.

Every experience has lead me to this point. I can learn from my past, but I don't have to live there and it doesn't have to determine my future. Every choice I make will either lead me toward my goal or away from it. The gift of resistance tells me what to move toward, because I know that what lies beneath it will change my life forever. 

Have you created a manifesto for yourself? 

Have you been there?

P.S. I created a poster to keep this intention plain sight! Feel free to print and enjoy!

Click here to download a copy of the poster!

I'm Baaaack! And All is Well.......

http://www.heartfulart.com

I know it's been awhile. I've been out of town, along with other things going on before and after. A great time was had by all, but it's good to be home!

I'm glad to be back in my space, my bed, with my stuff around. And, of course, my fur babies! I guess you could say I'm something of a homebody.

But that's not really what this post is about....more like my excuses for not writing more often.

This post is about the scary shit that happens.....seemingly out of nowhere.

It doesn't matter if it's losing a job, divorce, or a not-so-hot medical diagnosis. My experience (via self-imposed shit or even random shit) is that good stuff comes out of all of it. Always. Every time. 

I know I've said this kind of thing here and here and even here. But I don't think it can be said enough. 

And it's stuff I need to remember right now.

So I'll say it again. For you and me. Life is good. All is well. And I know, without a doubt, that everything that happens is for my highest and best. Every. Thing. Always.

Promise.

Have you had good stuff come out of "negative" or "bad" situations? Have you found the grace and gratitude during these times?

Have you been there?

Wishes

I read The Bloggess' most recent post today. She alludes to an old adage (If wishes were horses, beggars would ride), with her special twist, of course. After the funny stuff, she courageously listed her own wishes, and asked her readers to list theirs. For me, this is where the real post began.

Some "wishes" were funny like non-neurotic dogs, a house elf, or "whirled peas", while others were wistful (a house by the sea or the ability to teleport.....which would be totally cool). There were lots of money wishes -- to be debt-free and/or financially independent. 

Some were heartbreaking....destroying the cancer that's killing a loved one, the baby that remains a dream, the return of loved ones who have passed. Some situations can't be reversed or ameliorated. My wish would be that all these pains, hurts, losses and griefs would be healed.

But I saw lots of "wishes" that are totally do-able:

• Paint, write, sing, dance, sculpt.....creative endeavors: Take a class, either online or in person. Look up YouTube videos. Ask a creative friend. Don't worry about doing it perfectly or being able to make a living at it. Do it because you want to....because it brings you joy or peace or fulfillment. Do it for YOU! 
• Friends, love, a relationship: Join a group or class at church or in the community. Volunteer for a worthy cause. Take your dog to a park. Get involved in a campaign, political or otherwise. Live your life. LOVE your life. Stretch (metaphorically). Go on adventures. There are many ways to make friends and find love. Don't give up -- you deserve a full life with friends and fun!
• Worthwhile work or a new job: Fill out a bazillion applications. Pump up your resume or your skills. Network. Go to professional meetings or join a group. Tell your friends. I understand that jobs can be scarce, but they are out there. If you are unhappy about yours, do something about it. As my mother used to say, "Fish or cut bait."
• Appearance/weight/body: I understand that it's easier to wish than take action. I've been overweight most of my life. I believe that if I actually worked out and ate right, I'd lose the weight. I will never be "model" perfect, but healthy is good enough for me. I just need to get off my ass (literally) and do it. You can too.

Maybe you noticed that the bulleted wish list above begins with you. They may require some courage, but they all require ACTION. You aren't powerless -- you don't have to wish. And you can have the life you want.

What would you wish for? How many of your wishes are within your power?

Have you been there?

P. S. If you are having problems with depression, anxiety, family issues, shame, alcohol/drugs/eating disorder......please get help. Sometimes it takes awhile to find the right therapist, group or sponsor, but don't give up! You are worth it and your life will get better. Promise. <3

The Males in my Life

I've been thinking about the males in my life ever since Father's Day. Although I celebrated the day, it's been two years since I celebrated with my father (he passed away in 2011). Since then I've turned my attention to the other males in my family (hint: they're not all men).

I thought about my father, of course, and the other men of his generation who have passed on. I remembered how they served their country, raised their families, and built businesses. God, country and family were very important to them, and they modeled this in their every day lives.

I thought about my brother, who is an exemplary father. He has a special relationship with each of his children, and I think they are incredibly lucky. Whether it was a hunting or sports trip, a quick drive for ice cream, or a tennis game, he made the effort to spend time with one or all of them. Every time I see him with one or all of his kids, I see the bond he's built with them. There's laughter, an inside joke or two, and lots of love.

I thought about my male cousins who are exceptional fathers, teaching their children to shoot and fish, then taking them on expeditions to hone their skills. These men teach them about safety, but also about stewardship, responsibility and integrity.

I thought about my cousin who had no children of his own, but he has been a long time father figure for his numerous nieces and nephews. He was also a devoted son to his parents until their deaths in recent months, tirelessly attending to their wants and needs. 

I thought about The Husband, who has no biological children, but has a step-son from a previous relationship, along with my two children. The word "step" isn't in his vocabulary; they are all his children, and he treats them accordingly. The same is true for our niece, The Princess, who is now living with us. He couldn't love them more if they were "his."

And finally, the "other" male in my life.....Zeus. Every day when I got out for the mail, he insists on going with me. As I walk to the mailbox (all of 30 feet from the house), he walks about halfway then stands guard, vigilant, ensuring my safety. I love this! He's not out there to play or sniff or even pee.....he stays at his post, waits until I'm done, and trots back inside with me.

I love the males in my life. I love their dedication to family, their integrity, and their humility. None of them think that what they are doing is "special"....it's just the right way to live life.

Have you been there?

Become a Bag Lady (or Guy)

Once upon a time, I used to practice Lent. This is the period (forty days and nights) prior to Jesus' death on the cross when he was offered temptations in the Garden of Gethsemane. The dates vary each year, but Lent begins with Ash Wednesday and ends with Easter. It is meant to be a time of prayer and fasting/denial in Christian religions (I'm a former Episcopalian). where you are encouraged to give up something you enjoy and donate the money you would have spent on this item to the church or another worthy cause. At least that's how it was presented to me.

One year, many moons ago, instead of omitting something, I decided to commit something. I used this time of Lent to give to others rather than deny myself. I made sack lunches and gave them away to the homeless or those with signs on the street corner. I continued this practice throughout the Lenten season that year, and for awhile after Easter.

I mentioned this to The Princess once and she said, "Let's do it again!" We went to Sam's and bought tins of Vienna sausages, packages of cookies and crackers, juice boxes, individual servings of fruit, and candy. We bagged them up, along with a copy of the St. Francis prayer. I always kept two or three in the car, restocking as they were distributed.

We like the idea of giving food rather than money; when you give money, you never know if it's really going for food or something else. At least with the bagged meals, there will be something for them to eat that day. 

All our sack lunches are gone, so it's time to head back to Sam's for more supplies. It's easy to do and I would encourage anyone to give it a try, so that you, too, can be an instrument of peace.

Have you practiced random acts of kindness? Have you ever been a bag lady (or guy)?

Have you been there?

Put That Damn Phone DOWN!

Graphic? Yes...want that to be YOU?
Photo source: http://bit.ly/11bWq2B

Since the return of The Princess (read about her here and here), I've been on the road much more than usual. Taking her to and from school has fallen to me (mostly), and it's a thirty minute drive. Even with my bad math skills, I can see that I've added a couple of hours a day to my normal drive time. I'm not complaining; she is doing a GREAT job in school (3 credits in 2 months!) and she has taken on the responsibility of employment (yep, more driving). I'm very, very proud of her.

But I've noticed something really disturbing on the road: the number of distracted drivers on their phones.

In the last couple of weeks alone, TP and I saw a man jump a curb and almost hit a couple of students just down the street from her school. I've seen cars weaving back and forth, like a drunk driving accident waiting to happen, until I pass them and see them ON THEIR PHONE. A car swerved into my lane just yesterday because they were ON THEIR PHONE (I honked, he swerved back and all is well).

Want some statistics? Texting drivers are 23 TIMES more likely to crash. That's a LOT! Let's put it in context. For example, what if your yearly income was 23 times bigger? Or that can of DIet Coke you're sipping on? That would be 276 ounces or over 4 gallons (yes, I used a calculator, but it could still be wrong. Feel free to check my math!). Quite a leap, wouldn't you say? By the way, the focus of many of these statistics is texting, but talking on the phone is essentially the same thing. You divert your eyes as well as your ability to concentrate.

You can read more statistics: https://www.moneysavingpro.com/smartphones/texting-and-driving/

And just for the record....eating, applying make-up, reading a map....all equally as dangerous as texting and talking on the phone.

Is there ANYTHING that is so important that it can't wait (possibly costing a life!)? If it's soooooooo fucking important, do us all a favor and pull over. Please.

I'll be honest, I've done it. All of it (except the make-up) in the past, but rarely any more. I see too many idiots out there doing it -- and putting MY life in danger. Pisses me off.....

Everyone's a teacher or a mirror.

Have you seen a texting/talking driver on the road? Have you BEEN that driver?

Have you been there?

P.S. This may be another post some day, but some motherfucker came inches away from hitting The Husband on his motorcycle. I don't know whether or not the driver was on his phone, but he was either distracted or completely fucking unobservant. PLEASE watch out for bikes as well. 

MOM is WOW Upside Down

http://alliederose.blogspot.com/

Happy Mother's Day to those of you who celebrate it. Obviously, giving birth isn't a requirement; adoptive moms, step-moms, foster moms, aunts and grandmoms earn their right to enjoy the day as well. 

In addition to my mother, I'm thinking about a couple of women who were surrogate moms to me. Both have passed on, but I still acknowledge their influence on my life. They were open, accepting and supportive. I could talk to them. We spent lots of time laughing together, but I also gained invaluable wisdom from them as well. They filled a spot for me that I needed at the time, and I will always be grateful for their presence in my life.

Of course, I had my own mom....the one who birthed me. And I loved her dearly, but I had a vision of what a "mom" should be, and she didn't measure up. I wanted a cookie-baking, recipe-sharing, mom/daughter trip-taking mom. And, I suspect she wanted a thin, graceful, compliant daughter, and I'm not too sure I measured up either. I was "challenging"......go figure.

I have since learned that having expectations about anyone is a recipe for disaster. My mother taught me that, and gave me many opportunities to practice. You see, she had a stroke thirteen years before she died in 2005. As a result, she was hemi-plegic on her left side, and she had dementia.

For awhile, her mind worked pretty well. She might forget dates or events, but she was mostly lucid, most of the time, until a few years before she died. Sometimes when I visited her, her body may have been present, but her mind was elsewhere. Maybe Austin....maybe New York....maybe San Francisco. All great places to visit, admittedly, but she usually didn't have a round trip ticket. I tried to reorient her to the correct surroundings, but it didn't work. I thought I was helping her, but it was painful and/or confusing for both of us. 

I finally went for a visit, determined to "meet" her where she was.....no expectations.....and it was wonderful. Once, she told me about her daughter.....things she never told me. Wow. It was the most precious gift I ever received from her. 

I wish I hadn't waited so long to accept Mother exactly as she was. I wish I could "meet" everyone like that..... I'm working on it. 

Have you given up expectations in your dealings with other people? Have you discovered the amazing freedom you get from having no expectations? Do you have any tips to share about giving up expectations?

Have you been there?

Connections

I hope you were fortunate enough to watch the panel of education innovators on PBS' TEDTalks Education recently. If not, you can watch it here.

The person I was most interested in seeing was Dr. Rita Pierson. I was familiar with Dr. Pierson through a workshop on poverty I attended as a High School English teacher. She was very knowledgeable on her subject, interesting and entertaining. But instead of speaking about poverty, she talked about something near and dear to me: connecting with kids on a heart level. In case you don't want to watch the entire PBS program, you can see Dr. Pierson's segment here.

My favorite teachers were always the ones I connected with. They could teach, but they also made me want to learn.....want to be better. When I became a teacher, they were my inspiration.

It took a couple of years to get my teacher "legs" under me, trying different methods of connection. I finally found something that worked for me: the magic of letters. It was a wonderful way to relate to them on a more heartfelt level. I also felt like part of my job was to help prepare my students life after High School....real life. My subjects consisted of things like motivation, perseverance and gratitude.

Here's one of my gratitude letters from November 2005 (because gratitude ROCKS!):

Dear Class:

Since we will be leaving for Thanksgiving break soon it seems appropriate that this letter address the subject of gratitude.  I’m going to come at it from a different angle though. 

It’s really easy to be thankful for a cool present or an unexpected $20.  But what about those things that, on the outside, aren’t so wonderful?  What about when bad things happen?  What about when you lose something or you’re in a wreck or you break up with someone? Why would anyone be grateful about that?  If you look with an open mind, there are lots of reasons to be grateful for everything in your life.

“Thankful” means “aware and appreciative of a benefit; grateful.”  First let’s look at the awareness part.  That’s where you have to be open-minded and willing to look for what’s not easily seen.  Sometimes you have to look very hard for the gratitude in a situation. 

Once, I was in a relationship with a real loser.  It was very damaging to me emotionally.  In fact, it was probably one of the lowest times in my life.  At one point, I was really afraid of him and what he might do.  I hid all my valuables and I was terrified to be at home alone.  What good thing could come out of that?!?  For one thing, I had some friends who totally stuck by me.  In fact, they stayed with me, around the clock, for a week so I wouldn’t have to be alone until things settled down.  Their selflessness and support amazes me to this day.  Another good thing that happened was that I was forced to look at some of my behavior patterns that got me into the situation to begin with.   This experience gave me new insight and an opportunity to change.  It wasn’t fun or pretty but it was extremely beneficial.  I had to get beyond the fear, anger, shame and bitterness of that ordeal in order to find the good, but it was there nonetheless.  Everyone is my teacher if I am open-minded enough to see it.

What are the benefits of going through tough times?  The most obvious is getting through it.  Something may be very painful but eventually, time will heal those wounds.  Another benefit is that I usually gain some new awareness about myself afterward.  I see something I want to change or maybe I see some new strength I didn’t know I had.  Sometimes, I simply get to use my experience to help someone else who is going through a  similar problem. 

Besides the opportunity to help someone else, there is a valid connection between your mental and the physical well-being.  Studies show that people who live a life of gratitude have less stress, are more optimistic, healthier, happier and less materialistic.  People find that the most important things in life aren’t “things.” 

Since I’ve mentioned my weight before, I’ll tell you how I’ve tried to apply gratitude to that area of my life.  I used to talk to myself in terrible ways about my weight which, in my opinion, compounded the problem.  What I have done recently is to be grateful for the fact that I’m overweight.  Why?!?  Because I’m overweight I have to try to make a point of watching what I eat and getting some exercise.  What if I was at a normal weight and yet had a health problem that I didn’t address because I wasn’t worried about what I ate?  What if I had a stroke like my mother did because I wasn’t taking care of myself?  The fact that I’m overweight forces me to look for ways to improve my health that I might not do otherwise and is, therefore, something to be grateful for.

The Hebrew term for gratitude is hikarat hatov, which means, literally, "recognizing the good." Practicing gratitude means recognizing the good that is already yours.  If you've lost your job, but you still have your family and health, you have something to be grateful for.  If you can't move around except in a wheelchair but your mind is as sharp as ever, you have something to be grateful for.  One way I practice gratitude is to say a silent “thank you” for every bill I pay because it’s stuff I’ve already used.  Even the $250 electric bill is a source of gratitude for the power I’ve already used.  Gratitude can't coexist with arrogance, resentment, and selfishness. In other words, I can’t grumble about how high the bill is and be grateful for it at the same time.  I would rather be grateful.

How can you live a life of gratitude?  One thing you can do is start a gratitude journal.  Write down five things you are grateful for every day.  Include little things like the person who let you onto the freeway, the fact that the cafeteria is serving your favorite lunch or you and a friend shared a good belly laugh.  Think of good things that happened because something bad happened first.  For example, if that slow driver hadn’t pulled in front of you, you probably would have gotten a speeding ticket.  Think about places that make you smile.  Look for ways to add gratitude into your life. If there’s someone that you know that is usually grumpy, welcome him with a smile. Tell people when they do something that affects your life in a positive way.  I have written notes of gratitude to my parents and other family members telling them all the things that they did that meant something special to me.  Trust me, you will make their day.  Many people go through life thinking that they don’t make a difference in anyone’s life and it means the world to them to find out that they made a difference in yours.    And now, with my mother’s death, I am especially happy that I did that while she was still coherent enough to understand it.

Gratitude is action you take, not just words you say.  It’s a way to live your life.  It’s an attitude.  And it’s a gift to yourself and everyone around you.

Do you think this is worth your time and energy?  Would you be willing to try it?  Can you see how you can turn any situation around into something for which you can be grateful?

Think about the subject of gratitude.  See where and how you can add it to your life.  In your one page response, list things that you already do or are willing to do to add gratitude into your life.  Do you think that taking this action can benefit your life?  Why or why not?  I challenge you to try it – just for a month – and see what happens.

As usual, your response will be counted as a quiz grade.  Please understand that, although no one besides me will read this, if you reveal something that makes me believe that you are being abused in any way, it is my job to report it.

Although I may not act like it every day, I am grateful for each of you and my life is better because of you.  Have a great Thanksgiving break!

Have you tried letters as a means of connecting? Have you tried a letter of gratitude?

Have you been there?

You Are......

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Abundant

Beautiful

Connected

Delicious

Enormous

Fabulous

Gifted

Hopeful

Individual

Joyful

Kind

Loved AND lovable (yes, you are!)

Mindful

Nurturing

Open

Perfect

Queenly

Radiant

Stupendous

Transforming

Unique

Vibrant

Whole

X-ceptional

You! (which is the best thing you can be!)

Zesty

Now, get out there and OWN IT!

Have you questioned your worth? Did you cringe at any of these descriptions or did you say, "YES! That's ME!"?

Have you been there?

Enoughness without the Roughness

I stole this title from the brilliant and beautiful Tracey Selingo's "About Me" page. I checked it out because of her post today about authenticity. (I told you she was brilliant!) She mentioned "enoughness without the roughness" and that was a phrase I could relate to.

I've written about my perceptions of not enoughness before. I shared about the little sign I started with, which still hangs in my bathroom, that reminded me daily that I truly was enough. Period. (I even created signs to download on that post, so if anyone else is feeling like they're not enough, you, too, can have a reminder! Grab one.....or ten!)

But the reason why Tracey's phrase resonated with me so deeply is that, even though I know I'm enough, some days, it's still a battle. My fears and insecurities creep in, and that not enoughness rears its ugly head. 

Case in point.....my first novel will be available for sale in June (wooohoooooooooo!). I'm excited about it; this is a topic I truly believe in, and a practice I used in my classroom. This will tell you all about how Class Letters came to be. 

But I have to admit, the closer I get to June, the more my not enoughness kicks in. The "what if" questions pry their way into my consciousness.....what if no one reads it? What if they read it and hate it? What if "they" think I'm a shitty writer? Did I edit enough?  Did I write enough? Did I make the story interesting enough?  Sheesh! 

But behind all these "what if''s" and "did I's" (because they are just a manifestation of my insides) is the root question: Am I Enough?

Fuck yeah, I am.

Because enoughness isn't about book sales or writing ability or the number on the scale or the zeros in your bank account. I am enough, because I'm a precious child of God. I was created to be uniquely me.....to do the things that only I can do, to say the things only I can say, and to be the person only I can be. 

So, during this time of waiting for book sales to begin (and doing more marketing), I will remind myself that my words and my story are enough, and especially, that I am enough. No internal arguments, rough or otherwise. So be it and so it is.

Have you struggled with not enoughness? Have you found enoughness without roughness?

Have you been there?

P.S. I think this is an example of authentic enoughness. Listen to the words.....own it!