I hate to admit that I spent much of my life as a needy person. Many years of alcohol-fueled neediness. And many years of just plain ol' neediness......
I accepted the first marriage proposal I received. Sadly, he was mentally ill, which came to light little by little. Still I stayed....too long. Long enough for his illness and obsession to become obvious, even to me. So I left....and he killed himself, casting blame my way.
Enter Husband #1. Some ignored red flags there. Many doubts...I could always break it off before we buy invitations. Invitations bought. Well, then, before they go out. They went out. The fact that I called him Husband #1 should clue you to my resolve. Nice guy...two great kids....but, well, it's hard to explain. And my daughter reads this occasionally. And I love her, so suffice it to say, it didn't work out.
By now, I was uber-needy, super needy, needy to the max. You get the idea. And I found the sickest motherfucker on the planet. Big mistake. More red flags. Tons of red flags. EVERYWHERE. All ignored. Or justified.....or rationalized....or minimized. Needy, remember? Yep, married him. I woke up at 5 a.m. on "the big day," paralyzed in fear, and yet he became Husband #2. For three whole weeks. He decided smoking crack sounded like fun, so two weeks to the day after we married, he did just that. Gone for days....living in sleazy motels..... It was annulled by our third week "anniversary." It was the lowest point in my life. (There's actually a slightly expanded version of this, with ramifications, which I will share in the next post.)
I took a break for awhile. Did some inner work. Asked some hard questions and received harder answers. I witnessed miraculous "coincidences." I grew.
Instead of filling the hole....my spiritual neediness....with men/marriage, I looked inward. And I changed churches.
I began to develop an entirely different relationship with Spirit, God, The Universe, or whatever name seemed to fit. It was a lengthy journey to surrender. And I did, finally, but not before Husband #3. Another nice guy (at first) who actually moved to Texas for me. Big mistake. Part of the problem was that he never should have left his home. It just wasn't in him.....but he didn't know until he made the move. There was more, but, like with #1, I'm not interested in rehashing the grimy details or bashing those from my past. This post isn't really about them anyway...it's an example of my neediness and how I overcame it.
So, after #3, I flew solo again....well, not exactly. I found my co-pilot. So different from the one of my youth. I saw how loved I was....and how I was loved. I surrendered. I practiced gratitude (yes, I had to practice it for a long time before it became a part of me). And I was way cool just hanging with my co-pilot. He/She/It was enough. I was beyond happy....I was content....at peace. I felt love for all those around me....not just one other person. And I guess that love just spilled over and called an old love back to me. This time, amazingly enough, I wasn't even sure I wanted a relationship. My life was great....my track record not so hot. I wasn't sure if I wanted to risk losing what I had. But I realized that my duo had become a trio. All three of us were, and continue to be, in a relationship. It wouldn't work with just The Husband and me (yes, he's #last); it has to be the three of us if the two humans in the picture are going to make this work....thrive, even! And, happily, The Husband is not only on board, but insists on the three of us working together.
We three seem to jibe well. My life continues to get better and better. I know, looking back, that I had to have a relationship with Spirit first. Just the two of us. We needed to become reacquainted in a way that I could understand and cherish before adding anyone else to the mix. I know that I have exactly what I need....without the neediness.
Have you looked outside of yourself for love, validation, security? Have you looked within?
Have you been there?