Saturday, March 24, 2012

Blame It On the Men-men-menopause!

I am now at the ripe old age of 54 and have not enjoyed that lovely visit from Mother Nature in over a year, which means I'm officially in Menopause. For those of you sweet young things who are reading, let me enlighten you with a partial (and slightly modified) list of menopausal symptoms:

  1. Hot flashes and night sweats
  2. Vaginal dryness/loss of libido
  3. Mood swings and sudden tears (probably grieving the vaginal dryness/loss of libido)
  4. Insomnia
  5. Fatigue (uh....insomnia....duh!)
  6. Difficulty concentrating, memory loss
  7. Incontinence due to sneezing or laughter. Look at this list so far -- is that shit funny to you?? Soooo the incontinence is just a sneezing thing.....
  8. Sudden bouts of bloat -- and we know where that leads
  9. Increase in allergies -- yay it's Spring!
  10. Change in body or breath odor
OK...I have to stop now. It's just too fucking depressing (oh, yeah....that's a symptom, too). This is the complete list...or a list of thirty-four symptoms, which is plenty! I have enough trouble with the ten I listed.

But there's an upside to all of this. I have finally found a way to use this oh-so-adorable hormonal change to my advantage.  All you sweet young things, take notes! It's brilliant, I tell you! Brilliant!

I may be 54, but I'm a hip, slick and cool 54. I ride a motorcycle, for cryin' out loud! I also like a variety of music. "Blame It" by Jamie Foxx gave me an idea. In the song, he's seducing a woman by telling her she can blame it on the a-a-alcohol. 

I'd prefer to be seduced by Andrew Marvell than a-a-alcohol. Just sayin'.

But I digress....

Here's my plan. Whenever I do something stupid, I'll just blame it on the men-men-menopause!

Like a couple of days ago.... The Husband and I got out on the bikes. It was a gorgeous day -- sunny and 72ish. We rode to TMPCTEL's house. To see him, of course. If we got a glimpse of his parents, that would be OK too. In my exuberance, I inadvertently left my lights on. And the battery died. Was it because I was irresponsible? A bad bike owner? No way! See #6 and blame it on the men-men-menopause!

Haven't bathed or brushed your teeth in days? It's not bad hygiene, it's #10! Blame it on the men-men-menopause!

Pee yourself? Obviously, #7 AND #9. A double whammy! Blame it on the men-men-menopause!

Brilliant! I have an excuse for everything now. So if you see some random crazy woman, who stinks and wet her pants, and has no clue what she's doing, but is singing, "Blame it on the men-men-menopause!," stop me and say hi! I'd love to meet you! 

Have you experienced the marvelousness of menopause? Have you found a way to use it to your advantage?

Have you been there?


  1. OH! I have been on this roller-coaster from HELL since age 35. Ever heard the ACDC song, "Highway to Hell"? I play it every day! Still, you failed to mention the monthly DELUGE that accompanies it all too. As if the darn thing wasn't all ready problematic enough. *LOL*

    Now, at soon-to-be 50 years old (this year in Sept) it has lightened up a bit emotionally only to be replaced by weight gain.

    Will the torment ever stop? *grumbling*

    - Pamela

  2. I'm SO there, Claire! This completely cracked me up. And I'm not in men-men-menopause, althought I thought-thought-thought I was. And that's part of the reason I missed last week posting. Ugh.

    But yeah, let's get this thing into a theme song!

    Um... but do we all have to ride motorcycles? I'm kinda a wimp.

  3. i dont know as my body will allow me to be in men men menopause. it so likes torturing me with surprise outbursts of non menopausal spewings...


Yes! I've been there, Claire!