Wednesday, March 21, 2012

I Win! (Sorta)

Last night, The Husband and I were ready for bed, which meant it was time for our ritual, the infamous ten-second kiss. I always look forward to it and try to make myself kiss-able. In my preparations, I felt a little rumble in my tummy and I didn't want to burp mid-kiss. That would be gross.

I let loose with a burp you could hear across three states.

This was not a big turn-on for TH. It even surprised me a little bit.

TH: OMG. What was that?!

Me: Just a little burp. ::batting eyelashes::  I didn't want to burp while we were kissing.

TH: Yeah, and thanks for that but.....

Me: Oh, come on! You've burped before we kissed to prevent mid-kiss-burping.

TH: Yeah....that's true. But, you gotta admit, that was disgusting. I'm sorry, love, but.....well....

At this point he kissed my hand and rolled over.

TH: It kills me every time you do that. You just don't look like the kind of person who can make a sound like that. You were a fucking debutante! (I'm laughing hysterically, so this was more like a monologue, with occasional unintelligible words from me) I'm not sure how I feel about being married to someone who can fart and burp louder than me. When we're in the nursing home, they're going to talk about the sounds that come from our room, and they'll be like, "Wow, did you hear Mr. Lopez?" and someone else will say, "Oh no.....that's MRS. Lopez." (He always talks about how we're going to be in the nursing home together and playing bumper cars with our Hover-rounds....and, apparently, emitting atrocious noises.) 

Me (more or less under control): You really think I burp and fart better than you?

TH: OMG....are you kidding? Fuck yeah, you do!

Me: Yay! I win!

TH: What?!

Me: Well, you have to admit, it's nice to finally be superior at something.

TH: If you say so......

Well, it is. People who are good at everything don't understand this. I take my victories where I can. 

So, no kiss last night. But there's always tonight. Just gotta do my burping elsewhere.

Have you ever spoiled a kissing opportunity with hilarious, albeit gross, bodily functions?

Have you been there?

P.S. To all my lovely email subscribers: It appears there was a glitch (read: Claire's fucked up technical skills) in the transfer process. Would you please take a minute and re-subscribe? It's the form at the top of the page above my picture. I don't want you to miss a thing! Thanks!


  1. *ROFLOL* Loved this post!

    - from PeaJay (*whispering* at SP)

    1. Glad you stopped by -- and enjoyed the post! Come back!

  2. Claire ... I just subscribed! Hope it worked. I really do love what you're doing here. :)

    1. I believe we have removed all the gremlins! Thanks for stopping by AND subscribing! (Now I just gotta figure out this MailChimp thingie!)

  3. Love it! I didn't interrupt a kiss but I did surprise my husband one night. I had been sick so he was taking care of me and at bed time he was even brave enough to cuddle with me. This backfired in the most literal sense. He was holding me as I started coughing while ripping loudest fart ever. My husband laughed until he cried while I coughed until I threw up. The joys of marriage!

    1. OMG, that's hilarious! Yep, plenty of farting goes on around here too. Actually, that's how I know The Husband awake first thing in the morning....just like clockwork.

  4. I didn't think I could laugh any harder after your post and then there was Meaghan's story. YIKES. And yes, I think this IS what marriage is about. My friend wants to make a Senior commune for old Hippies somewhere in the CA mountains - sounds good to me, and we can all rip loud ones, since we'll be isolated Old Farts. ;-)


Yes! I've been there, Claire!