The first of the five tips is that the goals are "harmony and productive communication." I love the word "productive" here. I can't be a productive communicator if I'm too wrapped up in myself, because I can't see things from the other side. If I'm too busy trying to prove my "rightness" I won't have the open mind I need. One way to remove my ego is, first, to acknowledge I have a part in the misunderstanding. It takes two to tango; neither side carries all (or none) of the blame. This is challenging if the other party is unwilling to do the same, however. In a case like this, I have no choice but to let it go, because I know they can't hear me, and no amount of convincing will make a difference.
The next tip has to do with compassion and understanding.....trying to see things from their perspective. Again, open-mindedness is key, but regardless of how empathetic I try to be, I have to remember that they are speaking from their own perception and history. There may be issues coloring their perception that I have no knowledge of which can incur a reaction rather than a response -- BIG difference! In this instance, I try to extend grace, because they may be reacting out of a place of hurt or pain. I try to remember that everything they say isn't necessarily about me, and that their history and perceptions are in play.
The third suggests I should "value their strengths and motivations." Again, the goal is to take the focus off me and put it on them. Everyone has worthwhile talents and skills; my job is to be able to recognize and appreciate them.
Fourth, "determine how they judge others." This tip can be scary or comforting. Tiny Buddha says, "How they judge is a key to how they see the world." That's the scary part for me. What if they are judgmental -- like, to the point where it seems like nothing I do is right? What if I have no idea of the kinds of things that will set them off? What if I know they are partial to holding grudges? Do I walk around on eggshells all the time (been there -- and it's no fun!)? But what if I see that they extend grace and forgiveness? It lets me know I can be human, and, hopefully, they will forgive my humanity when it pops up (because it will!).
Finally, tip #5 is to "consider their fears." Many people lash out when they're afraid, and sometimes, I just happen to be in the way. Again, this requires compassion and grace. I have fears too, which can play a part in a discussion (or not) depending on the situation + my history + my perceptions. I know I can be sensitive -- sometimes overly so -- and if/when one of my buttons is pushed (and one of my fears is activated), I can overreact or act rashly. I have to remember that this applies to others as well. Unfortunately, I can't consider fears I don't know about, but we all share many of the same ones, so, once again, I try to extend grace.
Misunderstandings can be a real challenge. They require open-mindedness, compassion and grace -- on BOTH sides. Sitting on the Throne of Judgement with an attitude of blame and shame (they tend to go hand-in-hand) isn't the way to find the "harmony and productive communication" mentioned in the first point.
I know, without a doubt, that I'm doing the best I can at any given moment.
And so is everyone else.
Dan Pallotta states that "misunderstanding is 99% of our problems." Harmonious, productive, open-minded, compassionate, gracious communication is the solution.
Have you experienced a misunderstanding lately? How did you resolve it (assuming it was resolved)?
Have you been there?
Hi Claire,
ReplyDeleteDo you know about Ho'oponopono? It's a Hawaiian energy healing process. It really works. There is a lot of info out there but basically it became known when psychologist Dr. Hew Len, who worked in a mental hospital, used it on his criminally insane patients, successfully and wonderfully. http://www.idreamcatcher.com/hooponopono/
It's basically four steps. See the person in your mind, stand in front of them, and say with feeling...
I love you.
I'm sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you.
You don't have to talk to the person or be face to face in the physical, you are talking to their soul energy. You are putting it out there and it goes where it's needed.
I did this recently. I offended someone, totally unintentionally, and he was cold, cold to me afterwards. I was astounded at his reaction over something I said. Wouldn't talk to me or look at me, he was unpleasant to be with in the same room. It was like I was not even in the room and we have to work closely together! In the past, I have made things worse by confronting someone trying to figure out what the heck I did and then explaining and apologising to them. This time through my growth and learning over the past ten years, I know that his reaction was based on his own emotions and past experiences and was not personal. But, still. I was not willing to let it continue. I missed him! I missed our former easy relationship! So, I applied Ho'oponopono. Over and over, whenever I remembered to do it, for two months. I could see him loosening up and finally, two weeks ago, he was himself again with me. He was laughing and joking around again. Awesome!! I spent the first couple of days, going, wow, look, it worked! Ha! Happy dance here.
I also have done this with my husband and other people. It totally changes things. So don't say it can't be changed. It can. See what happens!
I have been there, Claire!
That's lovely, Dorothy. Thank you!
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