The first one had to do with my self-worth. At the time, I was 40ish, overweight and with two kids. I was pretty darn sure at the time that few, if any, men would be interested in me. Why would anyone want that package? So I translated that fear into my awful three week marriage. That sick sonuvabitch wanted me. Yeehaw!
In addition, I added financial fear to the mix. I was leaving my job (and my insurance plan) and would marry #2 (and his insurance plan) shortly. I didn't COBRA the old insurance. It was $300 and would have been a stretch. Besides, what can happen in a month or so?
Hemolytic anemia can happen. To my son, who was four at the time. The day before we got married. Which made it a pre-existing condition. Bad news. This began eighteen months of weekly trips to the hematologist, weekly blood draws, and lots of prescriptions, all culminating in a splenectomy (he's been great ever since, thankfully). All without insurance. I spent thousands of dollars because I was afraid of a $300 insurance payment.
Financial fear is a motherfucker, folks.
Miracles happened. Money materialized, unexpectedly, when I needed it most. And I saw that even though I had gotten myself into a HUGE mess because of fear, The Universe provided exactly what I needed at exactly the right time.
So I began to rely on Spirit. And I began to surrender those fears. I discovered the power of gratitude. I trusted that I was right where I was supposed to be. I had exactly what I needed every day. The more I looked through eyes of gratitude, the better the view.....and the outlook.
Two acronyms for fear (guess which is my favorite): False Evidence Appearing Real and Forgetting Everything's All Right.
Have you been mired in fear? Have you found a way out?
Have you been there?
Wow. This is so weird. Today we got 7, yes seven, termination notices...one for each of us... from the health insurance people. Thinking we had until April 4 to get this handled, I dissolved into tears. I have been anchoring myself with REMEMBERING everything is alright...but totally forgot that in the moment. Thanks so much for commenting on my TruckNutz so that I was led here on this day :) Serendipitous :)
ReplyDeleteThere are no coincidences! So glad you found it at the right time. It's easy to forget, esp at the moment things happen. It takes me awhile to remember....I have to work through some feelings first. I'm so sorry about the health insurance. Ugh! I hate being dependent on them. Remember to breathe......
DeleteClaire, I don't believe in coincidences either. I have learned that if I just relax and let my life unfold without trying to fight it, that my life does unfold just as it is meant to. I do believe in Spirit and living a life of gratitude. I didn't learn this early enough in my life, unfortunately. I learned it after #neveragain husband and I split up after 12 years of verbal abuse and it's taken me 15 years to get where I am now. Yes, I know about fear and neediness. If anything I am too independent now because I won't ask for help unless it's a last resort. I am blessed with a daughter who tries to understand me. But, yes, I've been there.
ReplyDeleteI hate that anyone else has been there. I'm glad you're out of an abusive relationship. NO ONE deserves that! I had a hard time asking for help too, but it sure makes my life easier! "Practice" with someone safe. Thanks for stopping by!
DeleteI have experienced plenty of fear in my life time. Like when my first daughter was born: how will I afford to feed, cloth and nurture her. Amazing how everything just fell into place without drama or fanfare. Or buying a home: what if I loose my job and can't make the payment. I worked three jobs to make that payment and that was while on food and utility assistance from the state. That assistance helped get us back on our feet and into employment that afforded our simplistic middle class existence.
ReplyDeleteIMHO: fear is one of those moments that makes us stronger.
- Pamela
I call "those" moments FGO's: effing growth opportunities. Yep, that which does not kill us makes us stronger! I had many blessings from that experience. So glad you made it through your tough times!
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