Thursday, November 15, 2012


As you know, I am, at this point, in my mid-50's, which, of course, is the Decade of the Colonoscopy. Or at least it's supposed to be; 50 is the age when doctors believe this is a prudent test to endure. And research shows that early detection is key, so at 54, I had my first colonoscopy. Hey, I didn't want to rush into anything!

The Husband is a decade younger and I, so his test looms ahead of him. TH has a real phobia around anyone doing anything to his butt. When he finally had a prostate exam (a test for men after 40), TH was certain the doctor was attempting a tonsillectomy via his anus. It traumatized him for days.

We were watching TV last night and an ad aired for ostomy supplies. Ewwww.....apologies if you need them, but eeeewwwwwww........ Anyway, this was our conversation:

Me: Ahhhhh.....colonoscopies. Yours is coming up in about five years.

TH: Yeah, but I'll be asleep through the whole thing, right? It won't bother me if I'm asleep.

Me: The procedure itself is easy; you don't feel a thing. But I figured you'd obsess over the fact that someone was sticking a foreign object up your ass for, like, days before it.

TH: Oh thanks. I hadn't thought of that. I was OK until you said that. Shit! My butt just went into auto-clench. Seriously, I can't get it to relax.

Me: Your butt went into auto-clench

TH: (a little panicked) I can feel the cheeks settling down, but my asshole is as tight as a fat man in speedos. 

Of course, I'm laughing hysterically which, I'm sure, isn't helping. But I can't stop laughing any easier than TH can shift his butt out of auto-clench. 

Has your butt ever gone into auto-clench? Did you have a difficult time releasing it?

Have you been there?


  1. Well, at least TH is getting a good butt work out from all of this. If you keep up the reminders he's gonna have a nice tight end just in time for the colonoscopy...haha. Poor guy, he's the butt of the joke!

  2. You crack me up! Thanks for the laugh!


Yes! I've been there, Claire!