First and foremost, if I wish to remain married, which I do, I must tell you, dear reader, that The Husband has had absolutely nothing to do with any of my black eyes. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Except that he refuses to be seen with me in public, but that's understandable. I look pretty awful.
Tonight, I received my third (yes, I said THIRD) black eye since August. The left eye every time. (What would Freud say?) I'm 54 years old and have never had a black eye, and yet, I've now had three (count 'em THREE) black eyes in the past six months. I gave myself the first two; my daughter gave me the third...sorta. I helped, but I'm still considering pressing charges. OK, not really....well, maybe. Someone has to pay!
Black Eye Number One: We took our new (to us) boat out on the lake and dropped anchor so we could swim. The Husband, Daughter and her family and I enjoyed our inaugural cruise.....hot August day, cool lake water, picture perfect weather. I had on my favorite sunglasses and didn't want to lose them so I held them on the bridge of my nose and jumped. The rush of the water pushed my sunglasses against my nose and -- voila! -- black eye.
We saw our son at TMPCTEL's soccer game the next day. I showed him my black eye and told him The Husband did it. His response? "Whadja do, Mom?" Gee, thanks for the support, Son!
The truth is that anyone who knows The Husband agrees that he is the last person on earth who would ever give me a black eye. Unfortunately, someone gave him the old stink eye when we (T.H., me and my black eye) were out at a restaurant together, so he's pretty self-conscious about being seen with me in public. Can't say that I blame him, either. I'd probably give him the old stink eye too.
Black Eye Number Two: I have to qualify this black eye by saying I have really strong fingernails. My thumbnail is practically unbreakable. I know this sounds weird, but it's true: I was asleep and became chilly so I grabbed my covers and pulled them up to my chin. My left hand slipped, thumbnail banged just to the side of my nose bridge and -- voila! -- yet another black eye. I shit you not! That is exactly what happened. Am I a genius or what? No wonder I have millions...uh...thousa...uh...tens of followers! You just can't wait to see what kinda shit I'm gonna pull next. Want proof? Read this: Bonehead Move.
Black Eye Number Three: I got this one tonight and I am proud to say, finally, I did NOT give myself this black eye. My daughter did. Sorta. My sweet, precious girl who I love more than life itself.....the girl I'd walk through hot coals for.....the girl that had me in labor for mo....uh...weeks.....uh....da.....uh...hours. I love her with all my heart....and this is the thanks I get? [Insert dramatic music and a Greta Garbo/Camille swoon, please]
This precious daughter, her handsome husband and TMPCTEL are moving, and we have a truck, sooooo.....
I carried a bedside table (no drawers) to their bedroom. I needed help setting it down; Daughter thought I needed help holding it up. My eye....edge of the table.....you get the picture. Actually this one kinda hurts. The other ones just looked awful. Poor Daughter felt terrible, of course. So they bought us dinner at the Mellow Mushroom. Because they felt so bad for giving me a huge, horrible black eye. Oh yeah...and we helped 'em move (but I'm pretty sure it was all about me....or at least it should have been).
Luckily my daughter and I have I Love Lucy to fall back on for consolation in times like these. We are HUGE I.L.L. nerds! We know the episodes, the lines....we love Lucy! In fact, she gave me an I.L.L. DVD for Christmas. We unwrapped it and promptly watched it, laughing together over the same shows for the umpteenth time. Have you ever seen the one where Ricky gives Lucy a black eye (accidentally, of course!) and Fred and Ethel don't believe the real story? If not, watch this: http://www.tv.com/video/10529749/
Thank God for Lucy. At least I'm not the only black-eyed bonehead around!
Have you ever had an accidental black eye? Have you ever had THREE of them? Were you at least able to laugh about it?
Have you been there?