Monday, February 6, 2012

Sisters Only! (Trust me on this one, Dude)

Pencil art
I was inspired by Hot Mess Mom. News flash!! She failed The Pencil Test! I'm not alone! Read on: If you don't like today's post, blame her, not me.

I haven't passed The Pencil Test since high school. I developed early and have always been well-endowed. Not the "gift" others think it is, and I would seriously love, love, love to have breast reduction surgery. Maybe after I sell a ton of books (the novel that's almost, sorta finished).

I agree with my mother. She used to say she'd rather go to Europe than get a face life. I'd still like to go to Europe....just with smaller boobs. Wrinkles are great. I have no problem with my wrinkles. They are the map of my jokes, my tears, my loves, my disappointments. But the boobs? The doc could take half of 'em (half off each, not just one to leave me lop-sided....duh!) and I'd be OK with it.

I have no idea who reads this blog or the age range(s) of said readers (OK, I have a little idea but not much of one). Show of hands, please! You there, sipping coffee, pay attention!

Is there anyone here in the peri-to-post-menopause stage of life? (It's a bitch to be "promoted" into a new category, isn't it, ladies?)

I am. I'm officially in menopause (after spending several years in peri-menopausal purgatory). I haven't had a period in over a year. That's the good news. That's the only good news.

Instead of plucking my eyebrows, I search for random chin hairs. You know...the ones that glisten in the sunlight for everyone to see. The ones you can braid if you let them grow long enough. My skin is drier than the Sahara. Bottles of lotion are sucked up immediately, but my skin looks like shoe leather again in no time. Other parts of me are mighty dry too, prompting frantic searches for the lube (sorry, it's true....this is the crap you sweet young things have to look forward to!).

I take summer with me wherever I go. I'm talking about hot flashes, ladies. I'll be sitting a a store...and my head starts to flame. Smoke comes out of my ears and I desperately try to figure out how I can strip down to my skivvies without causing a scene. Winter is good for this; I simply walk outside instead of throwing clothes off. Or I can walk outside, already nekkid, and reap similar benefits. The latter works better at home, behind our 8' fence, than in public. I was tempted to jump in the pool recently, but cooler, smokeless heads prevailed.

Night sweats are no picnic either, but since I'm at home and in bed, there's no desperation involved. Actually, night sweats don't make me want to strip like hot flashes do; I simply need a mop and bucket by the bed to clean up the mess.

I've heard there are emotional mood swings with menopause, but I take care of that with drugs. Lots and lots of drugs.

In spite of all the physical changes, I love my life. I feel more "me" in this stage. I don't care what people think....sort of a middle finger philosophy. I ride my motorcycle. I dress comfortably. I do whatever the hell I want. I'm free to be all my droopy, saggy, wrinkly, sweaty glory.

Where are you in your life? Each stage has its challenges and rewards. Do you enjoy yourself, regardless of  your age and physical limitations? Do you welcome or fear your next stage?

Have you been there?


  1. Oh, I'm not far behind you. Every time I fart wrong my mom starts screaming, "You're going through the change! You're going through the change!"

    However, my doc says I have about 10 more years. I'll stick with his word.

    I have your same middle finger philosophy. But I really take the stance of, "it's none of my business what others think of me."

    At the end of the day, it's just me. And that's the one who really matters. =)

  2. I appreciate you, Judy! Thanks for all the reads, likes and comments!

  3. You are absolutely right! I'm the only one I will never leave and who will never leave me. Thanks for stopping by!

  4. I enjoyed this post, despite being at rather the opposite end of the age spectrum. It's how old you feel...and how much attitude you have...that counts. Keep on riding that motorcycle!


Yes! I've been there, Claire!